In part 1 of the 10 Commandments of Clean & Clear Communication we identified the first 5 commandments as:
- Avoid judgment words and loaded terms – put down words that point out flaws and tear down worth.
- Avoid “global” labels – blanket condemnation of your partners character.
- Avoid “you” messages of blame and accusation – starting your message with blame.
- Avoid old history -bringing up past wrongs to support current accusation.
- Avoid negative comparisons – comparing your partner to someone else.
Let’s look at the last 5 and put it all together:
6. Avoid threats.
- “If you’re going to act like that, then I’m not going with you to your parents’ house this weekend.”
- “If you can’t get your act together, then maybe we should get a divorce.”
- “If you don’t want to be more adventurous in bed, I can find plenty of other women who are willing to be.”
MFP write that “the basic message of a threat is: you’re bad and I’m going to punish you.” It’s a way of trying to compel desired behavior, but since it shuts down the whole discussion, even if it works in the short term, the underlying issue will remain unresolved. If your partner complies, she’ll only be doing it to avoid the consequences of your threat, and if she doesn’t, the argument is going to escalate and/or keep reoccurring.
There is a place for quasi-ultimatums in a relationship, but they come after you’ve completely exhausted every attempt to communicate and compromise about the problem in a positive way. A lot of people resort to a threat as an easy way to resolve things, and will even drop the “D” word to scare their spouse into compliance.
An “or else” statement shouldn’t be thrown around, and it shouldn’t be punitive. That is, if your partner is unwilling to meet your needs, create a plan to meet those needs yourself, but don’t do so in a way that’s specifically designed to punish your partner. So for example, if you want to spend more time with friends, but your significant other won’t budge on giving her blessing, you might say, “I’m going to start spending every Saturday morning with them,” and then follow through on that action. A punitive ultimatum, on the other hand, would be something like deciding to skip out on a concert you agreed to attend with her, in order to do something with your boy’s.
Your partner may come to accept the implementation of your ultimatum or it may drive a wedge in your relationship. If the latter, it may spell the end; clean communication offers the best possible chance of relationship success, but doesn’t guarantee it if you just aren’t right for each other. I didn’t pick him/her….you did!
7. Describe your feelings rather than attack with them.
How you carry yourself can truly be wielded like a weapon. When we raise our voice, withdraw into cold hostility, adopt a sneering tone, or employ biting sarcasm, we can wound those we love. Especially when it comes to communicating with women, you would be surprised how a cutting tone of voice can make them feel almost physically hurt. Instead, do your best to keep your voice level and calm.
As you discuss what’s bothering you, describe your emotions as specifically as possible. “In so doing,” MFP write, “your partner can hear what you’re feeling without being overwhelmed or bludgeoned by it.” Here are some examples:
- “I feel disrespected when you make jokes at my expense when we’re out with your friends.”
- “I feel jealous when I see you texting your ex.”
- “I feel hurt when you ignore me when I come home from work.”
8. Keep body language open and receptive.
Even more than what we say, our body language conveys how we’re actually feeling. You may tell your significant other that you’re not angry and are willing to talk things through, but if your posture and facial expressions say otherwise, they will assuredly pick up on it. They’ll also likely match your defensive stance, and the discussion will get off to a rocky start.
To keep things cool, adopt an open, rather than closed posture. Folding your arms, tensing your jaw, squinting, looking disgusted, balling up your fists, fidgeting in an irritated way, and rolling your eyes are all behaviors that make you seem closed off, hostile, and unwilling to communicate. Create sincere, inviting body language by relaxing your face, making warm eye contact, leaning forward, keeping your arms uncrossed, and nodding to show you’re listening.
9. Use whole messages.
A lot of times, you may think you’re getting your message across to your significant other, but the result is a big miscommunication. They hear something much different than you intended. What we say makes total sense to us, because we have the entire context of it in our heads. But what actually comes out of our mouths may only be a slice of that bigger picture – a partial fragment that is then misconstrued by our partner.
To avoid this, strive to deliver “whole messages” when speaking with your significant other. Whole messages consist of 4 parts:
- Observations: “Observations are statements of fact that are neutral, without judgments or inferences,” write MFP. “The house is a mess,” vs. “I’ve noticed you’re a slob.”
- Thoughts: MFP describe this component as “your beliefs, opinions, theories, and interpretations of a situation. Thoughts are not conveyed as absolute truth but as your personal hypothesis or understanding of a situation. ‘My idea was…I wondered if…I suspected that…I worried that…The way I saw it was…’”
- Feelings: Describe your feelings in a specific way that doesn’t blame your partner. “I’m concerned about our budget,” vs. “Your spending is out of control and really stressing me out.”
- Needs/Wants: Too often we expect people to be mind readers, but as MFP note, “No one can know what you want unless you tell them.”
Here’s an example of a whole message:
“We haven’t been spending as much time together [Observation]. It seems like you’ve been busier, and I don’t know if that’s just because your classes are hard this semester or you just haven’t been as interested in hanging out [Thoughts]. I’ve been feeling distant from you and confused about the status of our relationship [Feelings]. I’d like for us to be more committed as a couple and to know what you think about the future of our relationship [Needs].”
10. Use clear messages.
Just as a partial message can be misconstrued, so too can a “contaminated” message. This occurs when you mix some of the 4 elements together or “mislabel” them in order to disguise your real intent. Your partner might say, “Hmmm, that’s an interesting way to do it,” when they really mean, “You’re doing it wrong.” Or for example, you might say to your wife, “And here you are finally, late as usual.” You’re pretending to make a straightforward observation, but you’re really mixing in your judgments, thoughts, and feelings. It would be better to say, “I’ve been waiting here for 20 minutes. It seems like you struggle to be on time. When I’m left waiting I end up feeling frustrated and disrespected. Do you think you could make more of an effort to be on time?”
MFP note that one “effective way to contaminate your message is to disguise it as a question” or what I like to call an “accuquestion”:
- “Why didn’t you take out the trash last night?”
- “Is there a reason all the dishes have been left in the sink?”
- “Why don’t you take our finances more seriously?
- “Do you really think that’s a good idea?”
The questioner is acting like they want some information from their partner, but they already know the answer and their feelings about it; they’re really just making an accusation and showing their disapproval for their partner’s choice. To be honest, it seems like women do this more than men (sorry ladies), perhaps because they’re often less comfortable being assertive.
Muddy messages create distance and contention in a relationship. Your partner either will not be sure what you’re driving at, or will take offense at your not simply saying what you mean.
Give it to ‘em straight, and give it to ‘em cleanly!
Need additional Help with your relationships? Contact me TODAY!
Roland N. Gilbert, The Success Coach
www.perennialgrowth.com
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Source:
Couple Skills by Matthew McKay, Patrick Fanning, and Kim Paleg. I read through a bunch of relationship advice books recently looking for some good bits that might be helpful to pass along to readers. This was definitely the best in the bunch. It’s written by men (one of which runs a men’s support group) and includes lots of concrete, useful, practical tips.
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