Loving relationships are the most important factor in a man’s happiness, success, and ability to live a fully flourishing life. And one of the most important factors in creating and sustaining these warm, intimate relationships is communication.
Unfortunately, how to communicate with one’s significant other in a healthy, positive way is something rarely taught to either men or women. As a result, many couples find that their discussions regularly turn into heated, unproductive arguments that really just end up damage their relationship. Angry fighting leads to distance and weakens intimacy. Yelling, sarcasm, insults, and name-calling undermine trust. This kind of negative communication creates defensiveness and alienation, which makes it nearly impossible for two people to address their issues together. How many of us know what starts as a conversation escalates into a fight in which the original issue gets forgotten, you lose track of what you’re even yelling about, and nothing gets resolved?
On the other hand, couples who know how to communicate their disagreements in a healthy way are able to nip problems in the bud before they turn into big, relationship-ending issues. The key to this kind of positive interaction is what the authors of Couple Skills call “clean communication.” Matthew McKay, Patrick Fanning, and Kim Paleg (MFP from now on) define clean communication as “taking responsibility for the impact of what you say.” By being more intentional about their communication techniques and leaving out conversation that wounds your partner and creates defensiveness, a couple creates a SAFE place in which they honestly and respectfully work through their differences.
What are the principles of clean & clear communication? MFP lay out 10 “commandments” to follow when you’re talking with your significant other. While the focus of this post is communication in a romantic relationship, much of this also applies to personal interactions in all areas of your life.
1. Avoid judgment words and loaded terms.
- “You’re acting so childish right now.”
- “Oh boo-hoo. I’m tired of your perpetual ‘poor me’ attitude.”
- “Maybe if you were more of a man, you’d be able to handle this.”
- “You’d probably feel better if you got off your fat, lazy butt and finally did something about it.”
When you’re having a heated argument with your partner, it can be very tempting to use words and put-downs you know will wound them and push their buttons. These “phrases” aim to point our their flaws and tear down their worth. They accomplish this mission – but at the expense of trust and intimacy. So, would you rather be right…or get what you want? (peace)
2. Avoid “global” labels.
There are two ways to criticize someone – you can critique their character or their behavior. In criticizing behavior, you’re calling out something specific and temporary – something the person can realistically change. But in attacking someone’s very identity, you’re putting on them a global label – a blanket condemnation of who they are at the core; they don’t just do bad stuff, they are a bad person.
Global labels can feel highly satisfying to throw at someone when you’re angry and can seem completely justifiable at the time. In writing the person off as unchangeable, you also essentially absolve yourself of any responsibility for your issues as a couple: “We wouldn’t have this problem if you weren’t so selfish.”
But blanket condemnations of your partner’s character are killer to a loving relationship. They will make her feel hurt and defensive, greatly blocking any chance of communication. Global labels also make your partner feel helpless – if the problem is rooted in their very identity/personality, changing will seem impossible to them. They’re liable to answer: “I’m sorry, but this is the way I am!” So when used you’re basically washing your hands of any responsibility for the problem, while at the same time, your partner will feel unable and unwilling to do anything about it either…not a recipe for effective conflict resolution!
Here are some examples of global labels, and how they could be better utilized as specific critiques of behavior instead of character:
- “
You’re so self-centered and only care about yourself.” → “In forgetting my birthday, I felt like you didn’t think about my feelings.” - “
You’re such a bitch.”→ “Questioning my masculinity is a low-blow. I’d like to try to talk to you without the name-calling.” - “
You’re always so helpless.” → “I know you’re having trouble figuring out how to download that app, but right now I need to finish this paper. If you still can’t get it, I promise to help you tonight.”
3. Avoid “you” messages of blame and accusation.
As MFP put it, “the essence of a ‘you’ message is simply this: ‘I’m in pain and you did it to me.’ And there’s usually this subtext: ‘You were bad and wrong for doing it to me.’” When people slight us, it may be true that they are entirely, or almost entirely, to blame. But when you lead with that blame, the instigator will instantly erect walls of defensiveness that will make working through the issue together impossible. Now I know, I know, but this doesn’t mean you have to pretend your significant other is not at fault when they are, it just means you use language that says the same thing in a different way – couching your message so that it actually has a chance to surmount their psychological walls and reach their brain.
To do this, you want to swap out your you-centered accusations for statements that emphasize “I” – how you feel when your partner does certain things. Here are some examples:
- “
You always leave the house such a mess.” → “When the house is so cluttered I end up feeling stressed out.” - “
Your moodiness is ruining our relationship.” → “When I can’t predict your moods, I’m not sure how to approach you, and I feel like that’s eroding the intimacy in our relationship.” - “
You’re always late and it’s driving me crazy.” → “I feel embarrassed when we arrive late to events.”
4. Avoid old history.
- “You’re just being ungrateful like always. Remember when I spent all weekend cleaning the house before your folks arrived and you never even said thank you?”
- “You don’t trust me? At least I’m not the one who cheated last year.”
- “It’s always the same damned thing with you. You’re sorry about spending too much on the couch, just like you were sorry for going over budget on the kitchen remodel, and sorry for spending so much on the dress for our wedding…”
When you’re addressing a certain problem, stick with the issue at hand instead of slinging mud, or engaging in what my friend calls “closet-fighting” — i.e., reaching back into the closet of your past for old grievances to support your current accusations. When we closet-fight, MFP write, “The message is: ‘You’re bad, you’re bad, you’re bad. You’ve always had this flaw, and it’s not getting any better.’” While talking about your history together may be useful when you’re both calm, MFP recommend sticking to the present when things are heated, as “anger turns references to the past into a club rather than a source of enlightenment.”
Digging up old beefs will ratchet up the intensity of your discussion, and will invariably send it off in a different direction and away from resolving the original issue. Plus, your partner will likely be hurt that you’re still holding onto something she thought you’d forgiven her for, and you both will feel like your relationship isn’t progressing. It’s hard to move forward if you keep rehashing the past; instead, let sleeping dogs lie.
5. Avoid negative comparisons.
- “You’re so irrational, just like your mom.”
- “None of my exes were ever as clingy as you are.”
- “Why can’t you be more fun like Derek’s girlfriend is?”
Being compared negatively to someone else can sting! We a lot of times want to think we’ve evolved past the flaws of our parents, so to hear “you’re just like your dad” feels like a punch to the gut. So too, our identities are very much based on comparing ourselves to our peers, and to have the person we love say we don’t stack up to them cuts at our sense of worth. Making negative comparisons also tells your partner that you’ve been thinking about someone else, and how that other person measures up to her, which can provoke hurt feelings and jealously.
As you look at the first 5 commandments can we:
Start to see any patterns emerging?
Identify which of these you may currently have in your arsenal?
Find ways improvements in any one of these can improve our communication effectiveness?
Stay tuned for part 2, where we will continue exploring the remaining Commandments on Clean & Clear Communication. Click here you to go directly to it!
Need additional Help with your relationships? Contact me TODAY!
Roland N. Gilbert, The Success Coach
www.perennialgrowth.com
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Source:
Couple Skills by Matthew McKay, Patrick Fanning, and Kim Paleg. I read through a bunch of relationship advice books recently looking for some good bits that might be helpful to pass along to readers. This was definitely the best in the bunch. It’s written by men (one of which runs a men’s support group) and includes lots of concrete, useful, practical tips.